An assignment I had to do for Media Literacy after looking in the mirror for 15 minutes and reading an article called "The more you add, the more you subtract," about the image media and society in general promote for girls to aspire to. Messed up. This is the most honest I've been with myself in a while, actually admitting that I'm so critical, that I've had those really hard periods when I have actually struggled with body image.
The last thought I recorded as I finished up my time in front of the mirror summed up my experience in general.
“And I especially hate how this became a time for me to find the negative. That wasn’t my assignment, but it’s what I started out doing, as though that had been what she’d told me to do.
“I was just to look.
“Instead I critiqued.”
Then I read the article and agreed with everything.
I thought about last summer, when I gained 15 pounds in less than two months. 15 pounds on my frame—heavens, I probably need that 15 pounds. But all at once, well, it was overwhelming. I hated myself. It was ridiculous.
I started having a complex with food. I was nannying and they spent $40 a week for my groceries. More than half of what I spend a month when I’m at school. I was at a loss! What does one spend $40 on? I started buying snacks, mainly low-calorie ones, health food, etc.
But I would torture myself having those snacks around. Growing up we didn’t really have snacks around. If we were hungry, we made some food. Usually the effort required helped keep me from eating unless I was actually hungry. Here I was with all this food at my fingertips, and I was in the middle of Massachusetts and I knew hardly anyone, so food and TV became my companions, but then I would feel guilty for eating the snacks because I’d gained weight, and I’d beat up on myself. I started going to the gym regularly for the first time in my life, but I didn’t feel like it was helping. It was this awful cycle and I felt like I was spiraling.
The only way I made it through was because of church and prayer (sorry to pull the spiritual card in an assignment…). But it was not easy and I probably still have not worked through a lot of it. I got back to school at the end of that summer, ate less, walked a ton, got into a dance class and lost all the weight. Now, a year later, I’m at the lowest weight I’ve been at in years.
But I still see thinner girls and I wish my hips were smaller.
I wear 26” waist jeans.
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6 comments:
Yikes! Maybe we should have gotten ice cream...and maybe hamburgers, and pizza, afterwards last night!
We could get you a healthy 20 pounds in no time! :) Start with cheesecake...
Maybe you could try an exercise diet, you know, NO MORE EXERCISE for a month or two. :)
Cindy, you're great.
Cindy! I don't think I need to say anything... you probably can guess what I would say in response to your post.
Barney--good idea. Cheesecake? Always down.
Gabe--I do know. Don't get mad, get glad :)
Cindy, I had a 26" waist when I was 12 years old I think. I only remember wearing 28" when I was in 5 grade or so...and look at me now, I sport a comfortable 34" and I weigh 70 pounds more than you :-P You are amazing just the way you are + or + 15-30 pounds
:) that may sound ridiculous, but its true, so there.
Lou--Have you ever had twins? 15 lbs maybe is a lot in 2 mos, but try 30 to 35 in 8! And actually, considering I LOST weight the first trimester, it's really more like in 5 mos.
Want to talk about
Hmm... the blogging gods don't want me to add whatever else I was going to say. Just so you know, I think every woman is on a lifelong journey to learn to love her body no matter what state it's in... Thin... Round... Pregnant... Short... Tall... Square... Yellow... (I thought you'd appreciate that last one.)
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